Metoo : Hey, it’s been awhile.
Me : Yeah…
Me : Need to talk…
Metoo : ‘Bout what?
Me : Lotz of stuff…
Me : Feel a little bit messy lately…
Metoo : Yeah?… Is it ’bout girl again?
Me : Naahh… lotz of things…
Me : Lotz of things come to my mind lately…
Me : Plus.. things are getting a little bit troublesome…
Metoo : U tell me.
Me : I don’t know where to start…
Metoo : Start it from the thing that comes to ur mind frequently.
Me : Alright then… First I’ll talk ’bout my self identity…
Me : ‘Bout the value that I carry…
Me : My personality…
*pause*
Me : U know what? Life can be funny sometimes right?
Metoo : Indeed…
Me : I’ve been trying to recall my pass memory to check how far have I been going.
Me : And come to think about it I’ve already grown into much better one…
Me : It’s funny to know that I carry the most introverted personality yet I can maintain my connection with my friend.
Metoo : Yeah… you’ve been through a long long run afterall.
Me : Hm… I still remember how low my self-esteem is while I was a kid…
Me : Like most other introvert, I also have self-esteem issue inside me.
Me : I used to always feel like such a pathetic loser yeah…
Me : And after I try to understand the world and myself, I began to build my self-esteem.
Me : I began to differ what really important is…
Me : I began to realize the important of my existence…
Metoo : Way to go Radif, way to go.
Me : Thanx… it took me more than 5 year to get this far u know…
Metoo : But the battle isn’t over right?
Me : Indeed…
Me : As I began to enter the college era, another level of battle is begin…
Me : This time it’s about value and communication skill.
Me : Another funny thing in my life haha
Metoo : -_-… I just can’t see what’s funny…
Me : Wait till I complete my story.
Metoo : Just move on with your story pleeeeeasse.
Me : Hm, I began to realize what makes me so different compared to the other.
Me : It’s my value…
Me : I simply self-absorbed, I simply create my own value then extremely filtering the outside value. Finding which value is the most suit with me then absorb it and use it.
Me : And voila! I become soooo issolated.
Me : And it’s not just that, u know… the recipe of ‘extreme issolation’?
Metoo : What?
Me : There are 3 components of ‘extreme issolation’.
Me : First is self-absorbed personality, second is lack of communication skill, and the last component is cellphoneless.
Metoo : Hahaha… now that’s funny.
Me : -_-… I’ve told u before didn’t I?
Me : So, in order to blend with my environment I begin to absorb the external value which creating value-shifting.
Me : But… however, the price for that process is pretty high.
Metoo : Reducing ur mood when the process is occuring isn’t it?
Me : Not just that… I found that value-shifting also makes me losing my self, my true self…
Me : Seems like I use the wrong path…
Me : My mistake is to use the value instead of just absorbing it and not using it.
Me : I suppose to be only absorbing them and keep using my own value, my true value.
Metoo : So… what’re u gonna do?…
Me : Dunno… lately I’m trying to get back to my oldself, though… it’s little bit harder than I thought.
Metoo : Regret?
Me : Naaahhh… I’ve learn something here… It’s such a priceless lesson that I got.
Me : I don’t believe in uselessness, and I don’t wanna believe.
Me : I believe that there’s a reason in everything…
Me : And if I never try then I’ll never know…
Me : AFAIC, using external value only create damage in myself but it may reducing the damage on my environment.
Me : Everything is still under control yeah…
Metoo : If u’re using ur own value u’ll create more damage on ur environment then.
Me : Well, I think I must learn how to respect myself, I got my own life and I got my own dream.
Me
: Sometimes our dream and our intention are crashing with another’s dream and intention, it’s true.
Me : But that doesn’t mean that I must let go my true self and becoming someone else right?
Metoo : Correct.
Metoo : But, seems like there’s something missing here…
Me : What’s that?
Metoo : Have u ever thinking that u’re simply growing to a better one instead of not becoming ur self?
Me : I dunno… one thing for sure I’m changing to another person…
Metoo : Ah, so u don’t sure with the undergoing process afterall…
Metoo : Remember what Farouk said when u ask him about whether are u self-improving or not being urself?
Me : Uh huh.
Me : Here’s the question that I submit to him through his website:

To: m_radifar05@yahoo.com
Subject: [Question]
From: postmaster@2knowmyself.com
Date: Tue, 21 Aug 2007 22:10:41

Dear underbluesky,

You have asked us the following question:

There’s a question that keep bugging in my mind. What’s the difference between ‘self improvement’ and ‘not being myself’?

Sometimes when I’m trying to improve myself I just feel like I’m just not being myself, my old self. Jeeezz… this feeling is so annoying.

Thank you.

Thank you for posting your question. We will reply back shortly.

Me : Then he gave this answer :

To: m_radifar05@yahoo.com
Date: Wed, 22 Aug 2007 17:12:35
Subject: Re: [Question]
From: farouk@2knowmyself.com
Hi Dear,

its so simple, before you knew how to use a computer where you someonebad? and after you learned how to use it did you became a good person?of course no, you have just learned a new skill and this is exactlywhat happens in personal development, you just keep developing andimproving your skills but your core self will remain the same:)

you are not running from your old self you are just making your oldself better by adding new skills to it and by removing some of the dustthat covers it, somtimes you may feel that you are fooling yourself byacting in a certain way because your subconscious mind was notconvinced yet with the change, but when you really decide to change youwill be happy with this new change and you will consider it an additionto your old self.

hope i answered you
wish you the best in your life:)
Farouk

Me : He told me that I simply adding new tool and thus improving my true self, but my core is remain be the same. Therefore I’m not not-being-myself.
Metoo : That’s the keypoint, it’s adding new tool.
Me : But I feel like something is not right… I feel like I’m not becoming myself…
Metoo : U know… feeling is something absurd, it’s different from one people to another.
Metoo : U can call it subjectivity, making ur measurement invalid.
*pause*
Metoo : I think u gotta rid ur feeling, it makes ur thinking process irrational.
Me : Yeah… I guess so…
Me : Maybe I should start to believe that I simply self-improving instead of not being myself.
Metoo : Do u really know what does not being urself mean?
Me : I think when u’re not moving like the way u should move then u’re not being urself.
Metoo : Only half correct.
Me : Hn?…
Metoo : Movement is the matter of intention and skill.
Metoo : If u’re doing something but ur heart reject what u’re doing then u’re not being urself.
Metoo : For example, if ur friends don’t like it when u use Batik, then u choose not to use them while ur heart reject it, then u’re not being urself.
Me : Uh huh.
Metoo : Now let’s talk about the skill matter.
Metoo : First, u have the intention to blend with ur friend. Then in order to do that, u collect new skill and absorbing new value.
Metoo : While it’s true that u behave not like usual but u’re keep following ur heart.
Metoo : U’re simply doing it with the new way, and I think u just not getting used to this new way of your.
Me : Hmm… I suppose so…
Me : New way? Hm, u have way with ur word huh?
Me : Yeah… Maybe I’m just not getting used to with this new way.
Me : Let’s move on to the next issue shall we?…
Metoo : OK.
Me : Mmmmm.. Now let’s talk ’bout heart and brain.
Me : U see, as a brain-user I have trouble with spirit.
Me : Lately I begin to find out how important spirit is. As a brain-user I rarely focus on such stuff.
Me : But… lately… as I observe a lot of my female friend which most of them are heart-user, I began to find out why does female is so diligent. It’s because of their spirit.
Me : Somehow, they could maintain spirit in a long rally.
Me : Am I stupid or what? Why do I came to such realization after a very long long time?
Metoo : I think u know that thing for a very long time ago, but u just realize recently.
Metoo : “Know” and “Realize” are two different things u know.
Metoo : There’s even a probability that most of ur male friend just know it but don’t realize it.
Me : Yeah… but I never try to find out that thing.
Me : Anyway, do u know the real reason why do I just realize it by now?
Metoo : What?
Me : It’s because some of my female friend love to say “Semangat!”.
Me : Now if u observe carefully my male friends, u’ll see that it’s such a rare thing for male to say “Semangat!”.
Metoo : Hohoho… keen eye, as usual.
Me : Not really, I began to find out after I read Ocha and Peema’s blog. They love to blabbering about “Semangat!” in their blog.
Me : Well… I think, no… I mean, as we all know, most of female is heart-user so they use feeling more frequently. While most of male is brain-user so they use rationality more frequently.
Me : Therefore, I think it’s normal for us male to be uncapable to maintain our spirit or you may call it “lazy” for short.
Metoo : Hahaha… well that’s funny.
Me : I’m not finished yet, Roes-senpai once said to me “Lelaki itu paling bodoh kalau soal perasaan, aku sendiri juga ngerasa kalau aku ini bodoh kalau dalam hal perasaan”.
Me : And I feel the same… Hey it’s true… we male are stupid in term of feeling.
Me : As male we lack the capability to understand our own feeling.
Me : Soooo… how’re u going to control what is hard to see?
Me : It’s hard to fight the enemy that u can’t see rite?
Metoo : Indeed.
Me : Aaahhh… I still remember how my feeling won’t affected at all when some of my female friend says “Semangat!” to me.
Me : And I guess it’s simply I haven’t absorb the “Spirit Value”. So all I got to do is simply adding the new value.
Me : Ah, another value-shifting. Lucky me, I begin to getting used to with value-shifting.
Me : Now as I begin to absorb the “Spirit Value”, I began to use the power of spirit.
Me : It’s feel a little bit different now, spirit is indeed usefull.
Metoo : So what’s the problem?
Me : Well, I haven’t completely use the spirit value.
Me : It will took me lotz of time before I can use it to its full potential since I’m a true brain-user instead of a mere brain-user.
Me : Meanwhile I’ll watch some of my female friends to absorb their value ^^
Metoo : Well, it’s only the matter of time then.
Me : Correct.
Me : Now let’s move on to the next issue.
Me : I think now I’ll talk about my troublesome situation lately…
Metoo : ’bout girl?
Me : That’s one of ’em, but that only contribute to 25% to my whole pain in the ass.
Metoo : So the other 75% is?
Me : Well, u see as a leader, I feel like being used or whatsoever it is.
Me : Though I’m doing it with my own will, I feel something is not right here…
Me : It’s kinda stupid if u gotta do lotz of things for the sake of ur class by urself rite?
Metoo : So this whole things is about working alone huh?
Me : Naaahhh… not just that… On thursday even in the middle of lab work I gotta replace the lecture schedule.
Me : And the most sucks thing is that I gotta wait from 11.15 till 14.00 just to see Mr. Marchaban.
Metoo : Well that’s sucks.
Me : Plus this week is full of lab work, there’s no day with no lab work in this week.
Me : Plus there’s an assignment that must be finished this thursday, yet we begin to make it on sunday, sheesshh… how lazy can we be.
Me : Well… at least I’m not really working alone, Ana’ve been a great help for me since she help me to contact Mrs. Aswati. Rikki’ve been a great help too since he help me operate the Mic and LCD, Prongey too since she’s the one who inform me ’bout the lecture replacement information.
Me : Thanks guys! U guys are nice!
Me : Ah, it’s getting little bit troublesome yeah… Well at least I’m still strong and I still got my confidence.
Me : Thanx Metoo, U’ve been a great help for me.
Metoo : U’re welcome.
Me : C U
Metoo : C U