Gak terasa dah sekitar sepuluh bulan sejak kejadian itu, meskipun begitu rasanya seperti belum lama… Sejak kejadian itu hatiku jadi serasa membeku, akupun jadi tak merasa dan tak berkeinginan, otakkupun diam tak bergeming, hari demi hari aku berjalan tanpa arah, kebosanan muncul ke permukaan dengan cepat tak peduli apapun yang sedang kulakukan, selalu kucoba berlari dari semua masalah yang ada, lalu kumencari jati diri dalam kegelapan dan ketiadaan yang luar biasa…

Rasa bersalah, rasa bersalah itu terus menghantuiku… Coz one day I said to myself that I won’t forgive myself, even if she forgive me…

Who am I?… Why am I doing this and that?…

Keep interacting with my friends… Keep grining everyday to hide my ultimate pain…

I know that I was making a fatal mistake, I almost losing one of my best friend… and I can never smiles in front of her anymore too…

I still remember the message that she send to me that day, “Promise me in the name of god that u will stay where u stand… or even better, stay away from me!”. I didn’t reply her message and I didn’t give her my words, coz I don’t wanna make another stupid ‘bond’ after I make a stupid ‘bond’ with one of my best friend. Honestly… I feel angry that time, sooo… angry… I think she can tell by looking at my face everytime we met… But two weeks after that I begin to realize that what she said was right… she was damn totally right, coz I begin to realize that everything I did for her is always wrong, either it’ll make her bothered… or even sad… eitherway, everything I did for her is always wrong…

Who am I?… Why am I doing this and that?

Two weeks after the message that she send to me I made up my mind… That I won’t smile in front of her, even if she forgive me… Coz I’m afraid that when I gave my smile to her we’ll begin to get closer and closer, the closer I am to her the easier for me to hurt her, I will never hurt her anymore…

Two weeks after the message we only communicate when it is really necessary and if it is not a personal matter…

Though so… after just few days I made up my mind not to give my smile everytime I met her, I found out that it is much much harder than I thought… It’s so painful, it is so painful not to be able to smile in front of her when I really really want to smile in front of her…

I really wanna smile in front of her, it hurts, but I don’t wanna see her hurts… so better to take some distance…

Month after month I’m trying to collect the spirit, but it’s hard, yes it is damn hard!

Half year later… I begin to move on… even so… still I can’t forgive my self…

God damn it! My darkness is reaching the level where there is no such day with no despair… I was completely numb too…

Gosh… I know that I suppose to help her everytime she need help, but I can’t… and it hurts… especially to help her to get what she want the most, but I can’t… thanks to my stupid ‘bonds’ that I make to one of my best friend…

After very loooonngg… loooonnngg… time, I begin to learn a lot, I know that I’m not ready for a new relationship, and I still have friends along side with me… I gotta move on…

I forgive myself now, for the most stupid mistake I make in this life… And I’m gonna move on!

I’ll give her my smile if she already forgive me now.

Also… though I’m not completely recovered, I’m sure that in a few more month I will…

I’ll continue my life and fulfil my destiny!

I’ll face my day with grin! :D

PS. Though I cannot smile in front of you, I always pray for you everytime I know something is happening to you… That’s the most I can do for you now…