Researching on the cutting edge area is troublesome indeed. But I see the thing that I’ve never seen before, I also feel the feeling that I’ve never experience before. Failure after failure, things always goes from bad to worse, so many things to accomplish with so limited resources. These kind of things make me losing my confidence… It’s very funny actually since most of the time I always overconfident, but when someone got smashed over and over like BAM!!! BAM!!! BAM!!! BAM!!! and BAM!!! Who wouldn’t? With complexities on its extreme I even got lost so easily, where, where am I going? Where am I? I remember someone wrote on a book “There’s nothing worse than forgetting where you are”. Then… I’ve got this undescribable feeling and thought, suddenly I feel like I don’t have to do anything, there’s nothing that I need to accomplish, while at the same time I know that there’s something that I want. But somehow I just don’t give it a try… at all… what the?…

Sometimes, while I’m walking in the darkness… some thought running across… “The crazier your maneuver, the harder people would understand you”, then I feel like it would be much better not to hope people could understand me, well not when I’m doing this crazy maneuver.

Around me I’ve got alot of friends, most of them never stop telling me not to do it perfectly, what they don’t understand is that I’m not trying to be perfect, I’m trying to do it in the correct way. Cause if I am, there’s no way that I can make it (much) better, but the truth is there are lots of way to make my work much better, my work is still sloppy actually. Well, whatever, they never read or even heard about my work, what would I expect.

Pain after pain, there are so much pain, most pain are out of other’s comprehension… at that moment I began to realize something, this is it! This is what she feel all this time, to feel the feeling that other don’t feel, now I understand how she feel, this pain of loneliness is horrible…

Overconfident to sense of inferiority, light to darkness, connected to loneliness… Now I really understand… That you won’t understand the true meaning of a thing if you never feel the opposite, be it health, prosperity, love, etc. You won’t understand them if you never experience ill, poor, hate, etc.

Now I know how much resources that I’ve been taken for granted, and I don’t even say thank to God (cause I don’t understand how meaningful it is)… Thanks God, for everything you gave me…

April 07, 2010