Chaotic Mind, Limit, And Stagnancies ~ Apparently I Can’t Go Far For The Next Few Months… :)

So, I got this unexplainable feeling since say several months ago (or maybe even few years ago I can’t really recall). A weird feeling that telling me that I’m gonna stuck forever in this shape. I got the feeling that studying won’t do any good and every time I study I’m just getting sick and more sick. Overstudying? Nah, not really… At first I thought that my mind is simply saturated, but later I found that it is not that simple… How am I suppose to say this? Well, it feels like my world is boiling so easily and the entropy is quite high that everything inside my world is moving in random and full of chaos.

Usually, in the normal days I can always study new things. Ho I love studying new things, since every time I found the basic rule and dissect the complexity of the new thing that I learned I became easily bored so I’m seeking another new complex thing to study. But now it feels like the playing time is over, I couldn’t do those things anymore, I couldn’t find the joy of studying new thing. But I found some other thing… I found that though I can’t study new things I could do ‘practice makes perfect’. So, instead of finding new skills and knowledge I could sharpening my already-gained skills and knowledge. Honing my skills through repetition and improvisation.

Ah yes, that reminds me, there’s these thing I called ‘second exposure’ and ‘constant exposure’. Sometimes, despite the fact that I love to study new things, sooner or later I will face again the thing that I used to like. Take for example programming, I’m falling in love with programming over and over. At first programming is like a daunting and self-torturing process. but no matter how many times I leave it I will falling in love with it again and the second time I’m playing around with it there are less complication than before since I have some vocabulary and common sense in programming. And by that time I could find lot of minor details that I missed from my first time learning, and also I could tackle the problems that I couldn’t solve before. I call that period as second exposure.

Now on the other hand, there are time when you have to repeat the same thing over and over with constant pace, I call this one as constant exposure. In this kind of state you could gain better memory of the thing that you’re studying and thus better picture of it.

Back to the main story, to be honest this feeling is kinda suck for me, I kinda hate it when I can hardly study new stuff and it feels like I’m losing my passion here. But in the other hand it is very useful since I can get more feel, common sense, perfection, and security of my old skills and knowledge. Which is good since I’m in the middle of my transition towards the professional world. I mean, I can’t just stay by the text book forever, I need to have more and more practical skill that’s readily to be used to solve real world problem.

Well here I am, kinda sucks and sickening but I believe it is for the best, Alhamdulillah :)

July 14th, 2012

Muhammad Radifar


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