Kudaranai ~ Wanna be Alive and Kicking (Again)

So there are 4 things that I need to finish in hurry but my mind is stumbled as well, and rather than finish all of those thing I’d rather write something to clear my head first.

I do notice that in these 2 years I did changed a lot… And something that keep bothering me lately is the fact that I’m constantly feeling anxious and afraid. On the other hand it feels like I keep easily losing grip, to my purpose, my dream, and sometimes… even reality. I don’t even God damn remember what is the most important thing anymore. It feels like most of the time my environment dictate my action, and it is so easy to feel victimized and blaming your environment.

Maybe I was being too busy. Constant task, and numerous academic activity made me feel extremely exhausted and gave me so little time to remember, WHAT IS the most important for me, and why am I doing all of this shit. My girlfriend feels the same and says “It’s even hard to breath”, well I say “I could even barely survive”.

It’s not that it ain’t fun, I got a lot of interesting knowledge, new experience, new dreams that I’ve never tought before. But then again, if you don’t spare some time to remember why you doing all of this thing, and what is your final destination is, it is very easy to get lost on your way.

That’s the losing grip part, now the anxiety and fear is another thing. In the past I was very primitive, I do what I want without thinking too much about the consequences, I don’t care about what other said to me, I do what I think is the right thing to do, and I believe that I CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN. Sounds idiotic and irresponsible I know. But you know what? After all of this time I learn that I am much much more functional in that form. Perhaps in the recent years I learn and focused too much on being responsible and how to stay realistic that some times I’m too afraid to be wrong, to be failed, and to take the chances. Something is not right I think… There has to be a way to be responsible and realistic and yet still fearless, excited, optimistic, crazy, faithful. Maybe I’m just not getting used to it.

No one is saying this is gonna be easy… Push forward, push forward… Some times it just the matter of endurance, and then fixing my habit while keeping my motivation and morale high at the same time, which is hard… But I don’t wanna give up! There are so many things to accomplish, so many dreams to realize.

I’m burning on fire now!

Muhammad Radifar
July 30th, 2013

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