So yesterday I was coming to my friend’s wedding party, despite being in the midst of confusion and fear of my future I’m surprisingly calm. My good sleep the night before really help, also my body is in a good shape, so my mind is being in optimistic mode that day. Still, appearances can be deceiving, I’m not as calm and as good as I may look. It’s pretty chaotic on the inside. I remember that the morning I depart from my home my mind is pretty sluggish, my view of my surroundings is not in the “complete” panoramic view as usual. When I try to focus on self control to control my train of thought the next thing I know I forgot to turn off my signal light for a Km or so. “Shoot! Why am I so sloppy today?” I said that to myself. Then to preserve my energy I decided to run at slow speed and being automatic almost the whole time till I reach my destination.

Well, the truth is there are so many things bugging me lately. Maybe I’m being afraid of my future, or so I thought. Then, while having some conversation at the wedding party one by one my friend is keep coming and coming. Although that I’m not really in the mood of having some reunion, I’m trying to enjoy it while not trying too hard (to look active or to impress my friend) at the same time. And somehow… I’m getting more excited, I’m not quite sure why, but it seems like… I saw some flashes of memory. Some of my old feelings are resurfacing one by one. And then, the best part is coming, one by one my friends are gathering with some lecturer. I ask my girlfriend in a teasing way, whether we should join them or not, because… there is this one lecturer that, let say, has some “bad history” with my girlfriend :p . As the clock ticking, suddenly the crowd is getting larger as more friends and lecturer join, and then…. I don’t know why, but my blood is getting boiled, simply just by watching them. I feel so God damn excited. Then my friend Surip is asking me and my girlfriend to join them. But I just stand and confused, what am I supposed to do? My girlfriend said it is OK, but somehow I don’t wanna join them. Until… I finally decided to take the meal for the main course with my girlfriend.

Why the hell am I doing that? I just don’t understand at that time, not yet. After a while, far from any crowd I begin to understand… Somehow I can feel the distance, I feel like they’re far higher above me. But it’s not that I’m afraid to join them, rather, I feel like I don’t deserve to be together with them. And more importantly, I don’t wanna lose this feeling, this excitement, this boiling blood. Nothing personal really.

Even until now I can still feel the excitement, though not as much as yesterday. It makes me more passionate to reach my future. And at the very same time, I keep evaluating myself from time to time, more than before. Why? Why is it that I’m not at the same place as they are? And not even close. That’s the additional motivation of my self-reflection. While ruminating, I realize how much I have changed ever since then. Then I realize too, that every time I found the root of the problem I thought that that is my biggest weakness I’ve ever had. But nope, that one is a hasty conclusion. To be more exact that is one of my biggest weaknesses that I need to deal with at the current moment. Be it my weak body, my lack of social skill, my lack of discipline, my lack of self-control, my lack sense of responsibility, it will always be the same story over and over again. Somehow I need to deal with them one by one at some appropriate time.

Well that’s good no? There is an Existence that puts the appropriate stepping stone for you, and the fact that you jump from one stone to another means you’re moving forward.

I think I’m ready now, lets go :)

17th August 2014
Muhammad Radifar