Sheer Darkness ~ The True Face of The Darkness Within

Ever since the beginning I always understand that I am alone. I have nothing to share, nothing to believe in, nothing to hope on, nothing to count on, nothing to laugh for, nothing to look forward, and many others “nothing to”. Everything I do is always wrong. Since I was a child many people view me as hateable. My personality is not charming nor that it is lovable.

Most people always got me wrong, they never stop mistaken me for someone else. Nobody ever understand me, nobody will understand me. And I am not expecting to be understood, though deep down inside I want it so bad. It is an unparalleled stupidity to expect anyone to understand my undecipherable thought and feeling.

I am speaking with other language than my friend is. I always living in a different way than my friend is. My life is monochrome cause I have traded my color with knowledge.

I am just nothing but a bunch of skills, I am a heartless knight who keep observing and studying and giving nothing in return, I am just the wandering thought who love to stay in two places, the canyon and the mountain peak, the places where I can stay alone and feeling like as if I am flying and have nothing to worry about.

I don’t care what most other care for, like most other don’t care what I care for.

Why am I born? Sometimes I thought that I living for other, try to give without receiving. But come to think of it, it is stupid to think that way. I live just for myself, I live to understand me and this world, that is why I relentlessly observing and studying. I am afraid when people knew that I do not know or that I do not understand. To not know and not understanding is an intolerable weakness for me. My thought and my knowledge is more than enough to make me whole.

Now, I have no friend at all, my only friend is my Sheer Darkness. The one who will keep accompany me until my journey is over.

I am a free man, and it will stay that way. No one will prison me ever. I just will not stop to understand myself and this world. No matter what I will keep walking forward with head up straight and grinning to face any monsters, bandits, knights, dragons, demons, goblins, elves, dwarves, and ogres.

June 08, 2010

The Knight of The Darkness

Let Me Show You My Nothingness… ~ Everyone Is Equal, That’s What I Believe, And That’s what I Want Everyone to Believe

Darkness, Joy, Future and Nothingness. That’s the four principal that I’ve emphasized to myself lately due to some weaknesses that I have. But I’m not going to explain every each of them. I just wanna explain my Nothingness. Nothingness means that everyone of us is actually nothing, we are just what we are. Nothingness is just the representative of our own spiritual self. No matter what you are, a student, a teacher, a president, a director, a CEO, a farmer, a teller, an officer, you are just a human. We are all basically equal, why? Because each of us have each of our own advantage and disadvantage. No matter how much of the advantage that you have you will have the equal quality and quantity of disadvantage, thus you are zero. Do you know the law of sacrifice? “For everything you get you will lose another thing, and for anything you miss you will get another thing” (I forgot who write this). Advantage will always comes with disadvantage, that is not something that I need to prove, you are the one who need to prove it yourself.

When I’m using my nothingness, that means that I must learn to control my ego. That is the same as saying I’m not my skill, I’m not my money, I’m not my cloth, I’m not my friend, I’m not my cellphone, I’m not my parents, I’m not my appearance, I am not my successes, I am not my failure, I am just who I am. No Label, No Association.

My value is not defined by something that I Have, but by things that I’ve Done for myself and for my environment. How useful am I? That’s the question that I need to ask to myself when I want to define my value.

I apply my nothingness in every possible way, mostly when I’m trying to judge people’s value by people’s level of intellectuality. Sometimes when I see people give some bad explanation about certain phenomenon I begin to see that people disrespectfully. Then I begin to value that people as lower than me. Then I remember my nothingness, that I shouldn’t judge people by something that they have, but by how useful someone is.

Another place to apply my nothingness is in the studying process, when someone teach another. When I’m as the student, I always place myself at the equal place as my teacher, what title that he/she have it doesn’t matter to me. Humble when receiving, brave when correcting or adding. Sometimes It is kinda troublesome when I meet someone who teach me need to be valued higher, people with high ego. There are people that when we give a lesson back/ give some correction to his/her lesson it will injure his/her pride. Then it comes worse when that person won’t admit our correction and that person think that we are an arrogant person. Now understand how Linus Pauling feel, there are people who think that he is humble, but there are also people that think that he is arrogant. That’s all happen because Linus Pauling treats all people equally. Now what if I put myself into the position of a teacher, I will keep doing the same, I place myself at the equal place as my students. I’m no better than them nor that they better than me. If my students teach a valuable lesson that’s great, I have added another lesson to my brain and my pride won’t be scratched at all. And when they make a mistake, I shouldn’t be laughing.

Everyone is equal, that is what I believe, and that is what I want everyone to believe…

April 23, 2010